Pictures are sad.
I see how people love to take pictures of good moments or with their loved ones, and it amazes me, how a picture can capture a certain moment in the past and hold it forever unchanged, untouched.
I see how they think remembering those days would make them happy but for me, it’s just sad, how it’s not here no more.
I look at my pictures and it scares me – no it terrifies me, how fast I grew up, how it all happened so quickly, how the pace of time just speeds up and doesn’t allow us to think thoroughly, how I see pictures of people I used to know and be really close with, and it seems like ages ago, but it seems like yesterday too.
I’m 17.
It struck me yesterday, I’m actually 17. I’m going to Uni next year! University…
That always seemed like a long time in the future before it happens; it’s always been “What do you want to study in Uni when you grow up?”
And I’m on the edge of entering University, so does that mean I grew up? Because I don’t feel like it.
I still need my parents, the thought of losing them frightens the hell out of me and gets me down and frustrates me so bad, how am I going to survive without my parents one day?
I think of a way to make it seem like a nightmare but then it just strikes me, they have to die one day, there’s no way out, it will happen, and I’m not ready, I’m never going to be.
I think about it every night when I go to bed and it just takes the sleep out my eyes, I zone out on it during day and it makes me desperate.
I imagine the moment I get the news that mum and dad are gone, and I can’t seem to think of a way I could react except for closing my eyes and never opening them again.
It makes me want to run to them and hug them and apologize for everything, while I still have the chance, cause I will regret it someday when It’s too late, and it’s going to hurt – hell it’s going to hurt like a wound in the heart, and there’s nothing I could do about it.
I’m 17. Next up is 20.
20 always seemed like a long time ahead, like it’s never coming, 20 is the age of old people, but I’m not old, I don’t feel like I am.
And before you know it you’re married, then it’s followed up by children, and you’re a parent! A parent? Seriously?
I have to work and get money and pay for schools and medicines and have all kinds of responsibilities, because I’m a grown man. But I don’t feel like I am.
And suddenly I’m in my parents’ place and my kids are in mine, and now I’m closer to death than I am to life, but I’m not ready to die, I’m not prepared, I don’t feel like I am.
If I guarantee going to Jannah I wouldn’t mind dying right away, if I can guarantee seeing my parents again I wouldn’t mind dying right away, But I can’t, I don’t know If I’m good enough of a person to deserve this.
I think of all of this every night and day and I needed to write it down and share it, cause when I can read my thoughts and fears and put them into order, I might be able to face them.
But it still scares me, future scares me, death scares me.
In other words,
The unknown scares me.
I see how people love to take pictures of good moments or with their loved ones, and it amazes me, how a picture can capture a certain moment in the past and hold it forever unchanged, untouched.
I see how they think remembering those days would make them happy but for me, it’s just sad, how it’s not here no more.
I look at my pictures and it scares me – no it terrifies me, how fast I grew up, how it all happened so quickly, how the pace of time just speeds up and doesn’t allow us to think thoroughly, how I see pictures of people I used to know and be really close with, and it seems like ages ago, but it seems like yesterday too.
I’m 17.
It struck me yesterday, I’m actually 17. I’m going to Uni next year! University…
That always seemed like a long time in the future before it happens; it’s always been “What do you want to study in Uni when you grow up?”
And I’m on the edge of entering University, so does that mean I grew up? Because I don’t feel like it.
I still need my parents, the thought of losing them frightens the hell out of me and gets me down and frustrates me so bad, how am I going to survive without my parents one day?
I think of a way to make it seem like a nightmare but then it just strikes me, they have to die one day, there’s no way out, it will happen, and I’m not ready, I’m never going to be.
I think about it every night when I go to bed and it just takes the sleep out my eyes, I zone out on it during day and it makes me desperate.
I imagine the moment I get the news that mum and dad are gone, and I can’t seem to think of a way I could react except for closing my eyes and never opening them again.
It makes me want to run to them and hug them and apologize for everything, while I still have the chance, cause I will regret it someday when It’s too late, and it’s going to hurt – hell it’s going to hurt like a wound in the heart, and there’s nothing I could do about it.
I’m 17. Next up is 20.
20 always seemed like a long time ahead, like it’s never coming, 20 is the age of old people, but I’m not old, I don’t feel like I am.
And before you know it you’re married, then it’s followed up by children, and you’re a parent! A parent? Seriously?
I have to work and get money and pay for schools and medicines and have all kinds of responsibilities, because I’m a grown man. But I don’t feel like I am.
And suddenly I’m in my parents’ place and my kids are in mine, and now I’m closer to death than I am to life, but I’m not ready to die, I’m not prepared, I don’t feel like I am.
If I guarantee going to Jannah I wouldn’t mind dying right away, if I can guarantee seeing my parents again I wouldn’t mind dying right away, But I can’t, I don’t know If I’m good enough of a person to deserve this.
I think of all of this every night and day and I needed to write it down and share it, cause when I can read my thoughts and fears and put them into order, I might be able to face them.
But it still scares me, future scares me, death scares me.
In other words,
The unknown scares me.
- Abdelrahman ElGendy
According to Abdelrehman, he is "A Unique human being with different beliefs. I think highly of myself and I have extremely high hopes and self expectations. You might not like my writings but the point is not for you to like them it’s for you to read them." If you think you can handle what he's got to say, find him at: www.weirdwithstyle.wordpress.com
Posts
Thanks for sharing
ReplyDelete